Thursday, August 8, 2019

My New (OLD) Auto Reply for the Other Site

First , this is an automated reply intended to let users know that I did in fact receive your email. 

Please do not reply to this email.

Responses to this email causes my proprietary system to print an edible , yet indigestible , paper copy which is shredded , mixed with crumbled potato chips (or crisps) and then fed to huge flocks of seagulls who proceed to fly far offshore and air drop their cargo at leisure as they circle trash barges , scattering it to the ends of the Earth so that we may protect your email address from scammers and spammers with nefarious intentions. 

Once their droppings settle deep into the ocean , and onto the ocean floor , I rely on a crackpot team of electronically tagged and trained Anglerfish to diligently search the bottom of the sea using their bioluminescent lantern thingies to find and eat all of the teeny tiny fish dumb enough to eat soaking wet seagull shit with wads of soggy paper in it.

Commercial anglers take over from here to catch and turn the tagged Anglerfish in at our secure facility, where a small herd of marine biologists in biohazard suits dissect only the Anglerfish having miniature paper streamers hanging out of their anal vents and advanced cases of sepsis from ruptured intestines secondary to spitball induced bowel blockage , retrieving all printed email fragments in the process. 

Immediately thereafter my fiercely dedicated employee Larry wades waist deep into a sludge of fish scat marbled with finely chewed industrial strength blotter paper and begins painstakingly reassembling the messages piecemeal , so that I may reply in a timely matter. He's almost halfway finished with the test email we sent out in 2011......but only because commercial trawlers are maddeningly slow when it comes to catching fish...when compared to Larry and I , at least....

Seriously , don't reply to this email , because I'll very likely never see it , and deep down , regardless of olfactory considerations at the end of his shift , Larry is one heck of a good guy.

Second , thank you for contacting the staff (Josh & poor , exhausted ,overworked and fish shit covered Larry) at SURF-FISH.COM . While we try to r
ALL inquiries as soon as possible , please note that it may take 1-5 business days for us to process your request and get back to you with some seriously helpful information , but only due to high seasonal volume on the website , and our busy schedules...Hey , we LOVE to fish! Check your SPAM folder if a reply doesn't show up in a timely fashion.

Tight Lines , Following Seas, Pro Staff Member Josh Mann, and proud member of the Slow Blogger Society, pictured above, sunning on a log, at a good fishing spot. Hmmm...

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